Depression and Suicide

I’ve known people that have committed suicide. 

Depression affects the brain. Like studies have shown that your brain processes things differently, sees things differently compared to a healthy human brain. There have been brain scans that have shown activity in different parts of the brain and the depressed brain... doesn’t light up.. as much. 

You get highs and lows with depression. Some days its just like, you’re looking at everything in a positive light, you feel hopeful and enthusiastic, you have energy and you’re looking forward to things in life. You’re glad to be alive. And then that day passes and you’re back to days where you just feel... meh, about everything. Like the energy just disappears. 

And then you get days where... you just don’t see the point in anything. Like your brain just thinks... what’s the point? Why suffer? Why struggle every day? You feel so tired of it all, of everything, of people. Why not just rest? Why not just end the pain? 

And there’s some points where you’ll just sit there for hours just thinking about, death. 

You’ll think of all the ways to die. Like, walking through town, and you’ll just walk in front of a bus. Or you’ll think of pills, the best ones to take to overdose. Or ways to cut yourself, thinking if slitting your wrists will hurt, if you’ll be able to bear the pain. 

And then my thoughts turn to the consequences of my death, how it’ll affect my loved ones, the people close to me. Because I’ll be passing on the pain. And I can’t do that. I’ve gone through so much pain in my life, and I would never want to be the cause of someone else’s pain, ever. That’s the thing that stops me from thinking about it further, I can’t pass on the pain. That’s why I’m still here I think. How would my family deal with my suicide? It would affect them for the rest of their lives. How would they cope? I don’t, I can’t give them that burden. I can’t ever pass on that pain. I can’t. 

Human

All problems arise because we fail to understand each other. We fail to see each other as human, forget each and every person has a life, with their fair share of troubles. We refuse to be understanding, to be caring, to be as one should be towards another human. We fail to acknowledge the special, sacred bond that binds us together; the bond of humankind. We have the innate ability to understand one another, to help one another, to love one another. And yet we fail to see it.
Instead, we pine for these very things. We moan, groan, complain and hate each other for not having all that we need. We blame others, and sometimes ourselves, and rightly so. Because every person on this earth has the ability to communicate, without having to beg. Every person has the ability to love without passing off as desperate. Every person has the ability to be loved, without feeling vulnerable. All of this is achieveable, but only if we are willing to give it to one another. Only if we acknowledge and understand, that we ourselves are the reason why we don't have all that we desire, all that we seek. If we do, then all will be content.
Only if we become Human again.

Thoughts

I feel as if I am working towards nothing, as if in the end, it would all have been for nothing. My long, hard hours of work, countless moments of dreaming, of motivation, of aspirations, of goals and aims, all for absolutely nothing. I sometimes feel like giving up, throwing my hands up and saying "I can't do this anymore! What's the point?!"
After all, I am finding it hard to cope with everything. And if I'm finding it hard, why should I go on struggling when inevitably, I have nothing to gain? Why put myself through the ordeal?

I believe that it is a very great and important quality to know one's limits, to know one's abilities and what they can or cannot do... I'm finding it increasingly hard to convince myself that I have what it takes to see this through. Especially as I face some big obstacles, bigger than you can imagine, without any exaggeration...

But then what is stopping me from admitting that to myself and leaving? What is it that refuses to back down, refuses to give up dreaming, of hoping, of achieving? What is the force that drives me on and cannot and will not be convinced of doing otherwise? On one hand I know that I am finding it hard to cope, yet on the other, my heart still doesn't see giving up as being the right thing to do.

I suppose, knowing myself, that I will in the end choose to soldier on regardless. It must be in my blood, like something built in inside of me. Whatever happens, whatever circumstances I have faced, whatever difficulties have ailed me, I have always overcome them with strength, endurance and determination. I just hope these qualities don't run out.

A Mask

Every day, I have to pretend I'm okay, that everything is fine, the way it should be.
In front of the world, I'm the sweet, happy, bubbly girl that gets along with everyone. The girl who always does well academically and the girl who never goes out of line. The girl who has everything going for her, a good chance of a bright future.
Yet the truth is a lot darker. This girl is lost in a maze of confusion, sadness, terror, frustration and loneliness. She can never take any of her friends into confidence, never even hint at anyone that all is not how it should be.
She can never tell them that she has no one in the world to fall back to, no support from anyone who claims to support her, no love from people who should love her.
She can never trust anyone, let them close enough to notice that she is wearing a mask; a mask of happiness.
A mask that I fear I will have to wear for the rest of my life...
.

Acting

This world, this life, my life, seems at the best of times nothing but a film, or a play. I feel as if I am living, or acting rather, the life of a person which I am not. It saddens me to think that if I were to stop acting and  be myself, that this world, and my loved ones, would not accept me wholeheartedly.
It is true, going by what Shakespeare wrote all those years ago, that the world is a stage, and I am an actor:

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. 

The Future

I feel as if I have aimed for something I will never be able to achieve, as the people closest to me are my most biggest obstacles.
And yet, I still chose it. What an idiot I am. Either an idiot or an incredibly optimistic and ambitious person. Someone once said, and I fail to recall who, that the people who achieve most in life are the ones who either take the most bravest of decisions, or the most foolish ones. I hope for my sake, it is true.
Here's another soul fretting about it's future.